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So here's the thing.....   
01:34pm 03/02/2003
mood: anxious
Iam still alive and kicking and all that jazz. I just don't know how to write anymore, which is odd for, since the last time we talked I've had a overwhelming fist of emotions. You'd think that make you creative or something? But i guess in my case since i'm spending so much time on these brand spankin new emotions that i haven't given myself time to spurt them out and explain them in a beautiful way.

So I've came and conquered, i'm sitting here in the basement of the house i grew up in, realising that Kat will not be returning here to satisfy her needs of a roof over her head. 6 weeks is long enough and in certain cases long enough. Sis and I still can't see eye to eye on things but still love the shit out of eachother. But i'm also trying to figure out if she truly likes me or just shows so much emo to me coz her friends think i'm a cool Kat. Either way i'll except it for I need a sister, i need my sister. She brings me down a bitchy notch.

Dad is still the same, will always be the same. Think's he's this mild tempered, sweet caring man. (gag's) He's a good guy, will provide for me when i'm down and out, but his emotional reaction to me is less then super and i can't take it anymore. Distance does make our hearts grow fonder for eachother, coz we think back to the times that we had to deal with eachother.

My mom is still my mommie, i love her. She can't do too much wrong for she doesn't know any other way.

I fell in love, in blatant realy look into anothers eyes and feel all mushy kinda love. He's beautiful in every way. Even when he gets down and out and stresses I think it's the greatest emotions to see anyone going through. I leave him in 2 days and I'm a little at odds with that. I'll miss him and our 4 hours conversations and his sweet sweet ramblings so much. But if it's meant to be it will be. He says he'll be in england in July for my birthday to sweep me off my feet and you know, i actually do believe it. Missing him won't be as strong as the will to wait for him. You can't just let feelings like this fade away. Dude has made me feel like this amazing girl i didn't know was there nor could be loved. So it's great, he's great and I'm feeling great!!!

Now canada has been as party filled as I thought to be. I'm still drinking like a god damn elephant when I can. But i realised toronto is def not for me. I can't get into things here likE I do in London. London has that big chunk of my locality heart. So i'm really looking forward to being back in the country of my true birth at 18. I miss my family there to. They were all so supremely decent with me. And this year will see me returning all the decency back.

England on thursday, followed by sleep, then drink drink drink on the table tops friday, saturday and sunday to recover to be all bright eyed and bushy to go back to work on monday.

So you're going to be a rock star you say... HAH. I think you can do it... HAH.
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blah blah fuck blah   
06:41pm 10/12/2002
mood: bitchy
All i fucking wanna know is who the hell spray painted the cross... what are they so afriad I'll do? I'm really confused... maybe it's the impatientness in me coming out just saying, fuckin get over it, let me know and in two weeks time i'll egg their house... what's so wrong with that?
2 Weeks time and i'm gone for 6 weeks. The papparazzy will find me sprawled in toronto's club district on more then one occasion not acting like a lady and in desperate need of AA....
If a girl friend keeps hugging and kissing and touching you and you're getting slightly uncomfortable with it, is it the same if a guy friend keeps hugging and kissing and touching you?
I'm not a touchy feely person, i mean my mom neer hugged me or said she loved me or kissed my cheek until i was like 18, so i'm no in any great need for another human to be touching me, unless you look like Shavo, Benji, Eddie or Chris... Then i'll be perfectly delighted!
Moo, the M. you're wicked girl... keep kicking.

Weird story for ya,
Making it short
went to a club, saw a boy, severe liam gallagher desposition ( i even believed he believed he was he ), me being drunk, seeing a guy with alot of confidence. "Hey your cute" I say, and in return i get the ugliest fuckin look of my life, i was disgusted beyond belief. I walk away with dignity for knowing dude ain't good enough, for nice guys run the world. A month or so down the line, Kat's dancing around with pals and "Mr. Liam Gallagher" walks by, ain't looking any different and hasn't moved onto to being george michael. Kat ignores, keeps her diginity. Kat waits for bus at end of nite, kat catches bus only to have the "Oasis" crew (with a bad Jack White wannabe in tow) hop on 3 stops later. Kat falls asleep, but still can't help but realise Mr. Cocky londoner, the one that has made her a little dispised at london blokes, is behind her, chittering away about all the rude things he's done to his "groupies". One by one Noel, Andy and Jack White get off the bus. "Liam" is still waiting in the back, low and behold he gets off at the exact same stop, walks to the exact same cab office and then... BANG... lives on my fuckin street. Never seen the bloke around at all, not once (except for london). So Kat and Mr "I'm too cool for school", share a cab. He doesn't look or talk, i'm bothered, but then I realised that because i'm too ugly and too dorky that i'm also too good for him.

I need to move, or maybe egg his house.

Why am I listening to Disco?
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1 Cow, 100's of Sheep, a Plastic man named Barry, Cat Ears and School Girls   
05:53pm 27/11/2002
mood: drained
also including a midget chugging a pint of guinness after a puking bet, being told that since i'm a 42 yr old protestant i should be taking home a 22 yr old playboy (july, page 82) catholic home and feed him and keep him safe, enjoy pepper sauce fries for 2 nites running, being in a diddly dee pub surrounded by scotsman in kilts on a stag doo, searching all of galway for a payphone only to go straight thru to my moms voice mail...

It was all good and exciting and demanding.. can't go on vacation with girls you barely know and expect there to not be a a few cat fights complete with the cat ears. But it was good, grand, pardon me.

back to the real world, i seriously need to get out of...
thats the only way i'll be able to truly live....
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Two pints of guiness, a leprechan and millions of £££$$$££££   
06:13pm 20/11/2002
mood: working
I'm off to let Dublin embrace all that is Kat tomorrow.. i'm well excited about it, i need a break from working life and I'm going to be so mashed for all the 5 days that i will be hullicinating little celtic leprechans feeding me shephards pie whilst taking me to the end of the rainbow!

Went to a gig last nite and was really really really good, Bombshell Rocks was the name of the band and A+ was the grade they recieved, had my juices flowing in full force. There was an opening band that i caught but unfortunatly they lack originality in all the songs they played. It was like they created one really good hardcore song and then decided to base all 12 songs around that one. Same rhythm, riffs, and the dude even sang in the same beat the whole time.... really, not interesting enough to make an old ladies hair stand up on her back.

There is a whole story around this gig that i shall share now for it is actually worthy of writing about....

My buddy met Richard the guitarist from Bombshell Rocks while on a stay over in Sweden, it was lust at first site, so to say and to this day, my buddy is convinced that he is meant to be someone special in her life! THey shared some whirlwind romantic days and then they parted ways. It's been going on a year that Al has seen his beautiful face. Even worse, she hadn't spoke to him for a while for him have a lack of communication devices whilst in the band. So Bombshell Rocks played the Garage, London last nite and Al thought to take a chance and show up. Building up to this gig she was extremely petrified, would Richard not remember her? Would he acknowledge her? Would they share some romantic glances and would her love lifes fate be resting on this meeting? A few days before Al had her outfit planned, the day before she was practising with her hair and a few hours before she was trying to rest her un-easy spirit with a shots/pints concoction. I was coming along to check out this infamous Richie Rich and to give moral support to a girl who i've not seen so worked up and petrified, iwas supposed to meet her before the show, but it was me and I was late. Walked into the gig with Alice running up and hugging and then whispering (To the left, talking to the blonde girl), i hadn't yet seen him while we exchanged words on her not having talked to him yet nor acknowledging his presence. With that said Richard walked up as if he could hear the conversation.... They chatted, hugged, exchanged gum and words and stories and compliments and then he walked away. With that Al was so extremely happy and feeling complete, i hadn't seen her so blissfull in so long it was good to see her looking and feeling like a million bucks. But feelings like that are only supposed to last for a few minutes and then BANG, they leave. Richard acknowledged her a few more times, gave her his number, exchanged a hug and then off he went. He left Alice confused and over-analyzing everything that had happened from 8:45 until 11:05. I felt bugged for the girl, for she wanted some sort of good closure and didn't feel she recieved it. Al and I hopped on the bus to leave the area and then i managed to convince her to go back and get the closure she wanted, at that point i didn't know if it was a good idea or bad idea. All i knew is i wanted lassie to be bouncing on cloud 9 again and not getting worked up anymore and i also wanted some more beer. So we went back and as we were crossing the street to the pub, Swedish Rich was walking the opposite way and as good as blanked my poor buddy. He didn't stop just said hey and continued on his way. My friend was broken, as she put it. But we went into the pub, danced around, drank some and Al had guys climbing over her, one especially i'd like to point out was the bass player from Bombshell Rocks, who i hope gives Al alittle consideration and goes back to Mr. Swede and tells him what a great girl he shall be missing out on. Funniest was boring band members were macking up on Al, trying to get som tush action and etc, but good on Alice for having none of it.

That was a rocking nite where i for once stood in the background, smiling my ass off and not being jealous or unhappy, i was in pure bliss dancing circles around myself for it was alice nite to solve herself.

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Finding Life in my own way......   
09:45pm 18/11/2002
  I dislike when people think that someone is capable of something they purely couldn't do. I guess it does pass back on to the person being blamed for maybe they aren't setting the right kinda example about themselves. Or maybe you should pass the blame back on the blamer for they are merely just trying to deter away from themselves their lack of character judgement and in fact are looking for someone to blame.

It's fairly annoying when something is said by a person and they
obviously don't realise what they had just said and then leave you
sitting there wondering. But in actuality the bad thing they had said relates to them as well as yourself for they are in fact no better then you and maybe themselves aren't heading anywhere because they aren't really seeing the good in things. They are only concentrating on all the wrong things or the things that piss them off and then in turn are saying that the people around them are going nowhere. Maybe not now, yes, but we are all young and maybe some of us are happy being mellowed out and not really doing anything yet. Try living a number of years completely stressed and on edge and then finally calming down and seeing things beautifully, how can you say they aren't doing anything, that person has done so much to change so drastically in such a little time. In my eyes, for their age that's more then enough.

I will get there someday. You aren't going to knock me down! For how can i live to MY full potential with you in the background making me think that the things Iam doing aren't good enough and that i should be conformed to the way you think a 19 year old should be. You're getting on my nerves again for i have begun to realise who Iam and what i like and what I want and you are standing in front of me saying that maybe i should attempt doing things another way. Do you know how that feels, no you don't because you've spent your life dictating to others and think you've created this perfect life and that you yourself are
almost perfect. Get out of your own ass and realise that someone is infact better then you and will help me become better then what Iam, in my own way! Perhaps maybe it will be me, maybe Iam that strong to overcome and get where i want to be.
The Day that I Die   
06:44pm 14/11/2002
mood: happy
I don't which day it was, or what week or what hour, but my old self has gone bye bye. It just left, i can't say without a trace though, for I still have my jabs of insecurities. I still feel my days of complete selfishness and utter loneliness... but those moments are now few anf far between instead of spending more time leaking my thoughts then actually hardening them.

I know being in this country has contributed to that so amazingly much it's scary. I was just looking to get away, i was looking to get away from the people i dispise so very much. I was just hoping to find a few people i respect and could care about and I actually have and i also realize that the people i flew away from i actually do care for in some circumstances and i do have an ounce of respect for them. I really do believe in space now. I always thought that you needed to confront everything that was traumatising you, that you need to sort and speak things out right away. But i was oh so very wrong, for taking the time to think about things and work out just what you think is the best way to solve problems is the most gorgeous way about getting your walls brought down in a tidy manner.

Do you think that someone could know you've been thinking about them or dreaming abou them. I dreamed last nite about someone and i caught my tone changing today as i spoke to them, my voice was more, well mannered. Do you think they could actually catch on and have that deep feeling that maybe you have had their image passing through your mind?

I'm confused to things, i think about what i want to do with my life and i dream about what i'm going to do about things as they come along. As i think about these things i also dream about the complete opposite to that. And both thoughts whilst in my head made me smile and happy, how do you go about getting the best of both worlds or even knowing you're are going down the right path?

I'm having some enlightening moments now for two days ago i woke up, got ready and headed off to work, as soon as i stepped off that bus and walked towards the building i worked in i was smiling, for no goddamn reason. I've never done that, and i'm not going to sit here questioning it for that was the best feeling i have EVER had, EVER. Left me calm since. Iam and happy. Scary!!!
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TGI Not F   
06:18pm 08/11/2002
mood: bitchy
Just sitting here singing at the top of my lungs in my lonely office, realizing what the hell am I doing here sitting in my lonely office??
Dude i should so be out singing my heart out, partying with Brody, shagging my bass player, marrying my whole band in las vegas by elvis and asking avril just exactly what way do they tell her to suck dick and what clothes she should be wearing...
Stephen Dorf is beautiful, even as a pale ass blood sucking shit bag. Mmmm.....
But back to my heart and voice. I do have them, scary thought, hmm, i guess maybe that's why i don't use them. Too scary to even think about putting myself out there.
I blame my dad, he fucked me up.
Easy way out I guess
I will get there one day, i suppose i will always know this even after it happens, i will be thinking, i knew i would always get here. Just i guess my problem is i want it right now, or i have no patience. I always say patience is a virtue. No wonder i never listen to myself, that sounds so geeky. I think i got it from some movie, forget which one.
You know I am a geek, a huge one. I'm just a geek that people like to like. Make Sense? nah didn't think so, i don't even ever make self to myself. hehe..... confused little twat I am.
I have to meet some amazing dudes who will help me find my brains way out.. and dislike my dad's intentions as much as I.
It will happen, trust me. Watch this space.
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Just because.....   
06:10pm 07/11/2002
  Well haven't writte in this thing for a while, not because i've had a life but because i haven't had a creative one. Still geeky as all hell, just with longer hair now and more fat on my body due to my extreme love for cheese, beer, chocolates and bread. Yummie, what a combination.

All is still cool tho, i fell in love again. I really like the fact that i have so many choices of men, considering that everytime i step outside my house and venture in the big bad world to do something entertaining i see some boy that just get's my glands all juicy. Now if i could only make those boys fall back in love with me i would be quite content and the world would be a happier place.
Hmm.... went to see the aresenal match last nite and they lost, what a waste of spirt... nah, i'm lying there is no such thing as a waste of spirit. I was glad to be there cheering my team on. Unortunately no freddie, the world definitely wouldve been a better place if he was playing.

Ordered these bright pink wellies (rain boots) with stripey tops, can't wait to wear em with a ball gown. That'll then for sure be my outfit. Kat's suit of honour. Nothing better.
He's got a girl, no more thoughts he'll feel, no more jokes to share, all in the world is happier for he's got a girl... yumyum
glowing dim   
10:49pm 15/10/2002
mood: bitchy
I Broke a mirror today
is it safe to say
i'm not going to be okay
shall i run away
what will I have to pay
my lovely thoughts start to fray

It's a selfish disease
it has no end
no pill or therapy
not one friend
will make it balanced
all crystal clear
It's a selfish disease
combined with fear

I was ditched today
is it safe to say
I won't make em pay
i'll act okay
won't turn em away
my self respect starts to fray

It's a selfish disease
too much in my head
no conversation, or feeling
no time in bed
will make it balanced
all crystal clear
It's a selfish disease
combined with fear

Loving, hating, concentrating emotions
envy, lust
I have no trust
It's a Selfish disease, I'm full of fear
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It's Sunday, i feel most creative.... but lonely, i do need a man. Dance into my life dear stranger.   
09:38pm 06/10/2002
mood: peaceful
dreaming and sinking, living and creeping, the bottom of our thoughts
seem so hard and tough, the truth behind our masks is streched so far
up our ass that we can't comprehend real love.

Epitomising our dreams to make ourselves come
to see that we don't live
Organising what we say into something that has no stench or decay is how we live each day and is overturned by
the fact that we all suck.

We are all animals, no soft way around it. We all pounce and mate,
we all collide to hate. We are sheep in a way but in the end i think
it's okay, for there's no right way round life and fate. The World just keeps spinning, we all keep winning our wars to break down the doors to eachothers heart, mind and soul.


People, live each day as tho you'll never get to feel anything again. And do what you want, be true to your heart, don't think what you're doing is wrong, for it's human nature and nothing is more beautiful then when you see people taking full advantage of their life and mind and realising that in the end, only you truly live with yourself.
stinky clean   
10:29pm 30/09/2002
mood: anxious
Just a quicky, i'm in a weird dorkish mood. beware


shivering in the cold
fighting all the pain
standing alone
don't know where to begin
hear it all around
screaming so completely outloud
trying to figure it out
not knowing how
believe i'll get thru
to the end i'll go
come out squeaky clean
possess those i meet

Because now it's not outside
don't mean it's not in my head
can't get it out to you
don't think you'll hear
retrace my steps
i'll learn to stay out of bed
I lied   
10:56pm 29/09/2002
  I didn't actually add foto's, no point on displaying foto's here when they can only be itty bitty lil' things.

Go to http://ca.photos.yahoo.com/discombobulatedkat to see many foto's of my world.. and me...

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Just wanting to write......   
10:11pm 29/09/2002
mood: amused
It's sunday evening, I'm all by myself. Family took off to Scotland, cousin took off to home for I have bored her senseless all day with my not wanting to do much but eat chinese and try and watch a movie whilst nursing the aftermath of too many gin and tonics.

Also, family in canada was SUPPOSED to call me, but i think i angered them by calling at 4 in the morning drunk off my ass and then retorting to my dad (after his comment along the lines of "lager lout, is that all you do is drink") that I learned from the best and it runs in the family. Plus i told him the soccer scores after he repeatedly told me not to. Plus i pawned my mom off on my friend simon while I kung-fu'd eliot's ass in the middle of a street in kings Cross. Errr.... I'm definitly at the bottom of my parents favourite list.

Went to see my buddy alice last nite as well, was such a bitch getting there. The subway was closed from my part of the world to her part of the world, had to hop on a diverted bus, get on the tube for one stop. Get there and Alice is a little dead to the world, i was feeling bad for the chic, but she made up all that missed sleep today. Anywho, we were having conversations and i realised that i really have difficulty getting the shit out of my head and into peoples brains. I suck and describing what the fuck i'm thinking. I do apologise to all that i come in contact with for my attempt at making sense.

What else, called Ken in aussie land, made plans for marriage by elvis in vegas and then retreat to my home city for a little degrassi action on our honeymoon. I did hear that he still finds me charismatic after calling the poor fellow smashed. That's my habit, calling un-assuming people at weird hours trying to make clear that i'm only good when i'm drunk. I actually only really dig the phone when i'm boozed up, telephone calls are a little bit annoying.

Had my hair professionally coloured for the first time, it's cool, but i'm still not letting a hairdresser cut my hair. Those scissors must stay far away from my head unless they are in my hands. Barbers are not to be trusted people!

Lastly, check out my pictures page, i added some.

Chic a boom boom wow mow woo hooo.....
sat night and i wanna feel alright   
01:02am 26/09/2002
mood: chipper
I wanna get away from the back, race from the crowd, i wanna push my way forward i wanna stand so proud. I wanna sing these words, hear em so loud, id like to feel special i wanna scream without this disgraceful pout..


Just saw Hell is for Heroes at Dingwalls in Camden and it was an awesome show, the only put off, which had absoulutly nothing to do with the show was the chics behind the bar were all so computerized, they looked so perfect. Didn't do anything for the ego.

Other than that Hell is for Heroes kicked, they played what i think was a perfect show, they didn't waste our times with going off stage and selfishly stand around while the crowd loudly chants their name and then they retreat to the stage and sing a few more songs because we, the fans, are all so special enough to be graced a second time round. They also didn't play their newest and biggest single at the normal time that every other band plays it, either at the end of the "official" set or within the encore round. They played all their songs at perfect times so that the whole set line-up meshed so fantastically well together.

The second opening band The Copperpot Journals were so beautiful, i shudder to think that most the crowd considered them emo, but the were truly beautiful rock and roll, just like Jimmy Eat World. The music was amazing and melodically put together and the singer sung like a great boy angel in the form of an indie/*shudder* emo kid.

It was a great show and to all that reads this, if you live near a venue where either of these two bands are playing, check em out. They rock so much major ass that you won't know where your mind wondered to, or how your taste and soul changed within and hour and half.
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Reaching the point of desire, trying to figure out how to turn it into Truth and Reality   
12:35am 25/09/2002
mood: indescribable
I just finished watching this fantastic movie, so very beautiful and awe-inspiring (word??). If you were to watch it and like it i truly believe that you would come away from it trying to imagine your greatness.

I think that everyone has this spark, or light or some sort of fight inside them. Some lucky people have all three and to me that is beautiful. Some people see what they have inside them and develop it, some people cannot see what's hidden, or so they think, and just choose to ignore what people blatantly see. I don't think a person is being fair to themselves, or to others. So many humans out there can change the world, can write up this amazing manifest of thoughts and affect 100's of people. To those who have that interesting bug and are blind to it or choose not to use it are being selfish.

That person is not allowing someone else to take away something great inside and turn the course for other people. That person is not creating a beautiful chain of reaction that in turn, could hopefully help things, people, lives, minds, souls or intelligence for the better.

To all who read this (which probabaly won't be alot), try and take a look at yourself and see if you have a spark inside you, a talent, or something special that you could try and affect everyone you come in contact with in one single day. Trust me when i say that all those people will catch on to your spark and will be thinking nothing but positivity for you.

It is a win/win situation, you create a gorgeous, meaningful chain of reaction and you also don't have to stop being selfish for your action will have an outcome that is amazingly good for you.


I need to sing, i need a band, i need sheets of music, i need to be where my head is at
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Wake up..... no it's not too early   
10:53am 23/09/2002
mood: bored
going to dublin in november... just booked my holiday

get paid this weekend, i finally don't have to worry about lack of fundage or being a boring old hag..

I have a new little cousin, Ellie, 9 pounds, blah blah ounces.

I suck at scrabble

I have an addiction to food

I didn't know the UK could have earthquakes

I like my buttons/badges/pins
Oopsie Daisy......   
06:44pm 20/09/2002
mood: Bitchy and Awake
I double posted.
What planetary alignment is involvled in a bad day???   
06:24pm 20/09/2002
  So oddly, yesterday and today i had awoken without feeling the slightest bit tired or in need of more sleep. Now to me that's amazingly odd considering i'm a girl who once slept for about 18 hours straight. Right as i arose from my cluttered bed i knew something was going to be up with the day, i wasn't looking forward to existing thru a fucked up day.

Dude, everyone i had come in contact with at work just seemed to have this huge fist up their ass causing to unleash growls at any who pissed them off. That in turn did not make me a happy bunny. I also was involved in so much cross wires whilst doing my job that it was hard to smile when I bit into my yummie tesco's sushi, which might i whine, took about 45 minutes to eat at 4:30pm. I had my LUNCH at dinner time and kept getting interrupted... GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Anyways, i'm convinced that spacial structure was out of wack for these past two days, and i'm also convinced that my lack of funds which in turn is lack of fun, is creating this whole "Against Me" attitude and is going to continue to do so until 28/9 when i get a huge whopping fundage deposited into my bank account. YUMMIE.
What planetary alignment is involvled in a bad day???   
06:24pm 20/09/2002
  So oddly, yesterday and today i had awoken without feeling the slightest bit tired or in need of more sleep. Now to me that's amazingly odd considering i'm a girl who once slept for about 18 hours straight. Right as i arose from my cluttered bed i knew something was going to be up with the day, i wasn't looking forward to existing thru a fucked up day.

Dude, everyone i had come in contact with at work just seemed to have this huge fist up their ass causing to unleash growls at any who pissed them off. That in turn did not make me a happy bunny. I also was involved in so much cross wires whilst doing my job that it was hard to smile when I bit into my yummie tesco's sushi, which might i whine, took about 45 minutes to eat at 4:30pm. I had my LUNCH at dinner time and kept getting interrupted... GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Anyways, i'm convinced that spacial structure was out of wack for these past two days, and i'm also convinced that my lack of funds which in turn is lack of fun, is creating this whole "Against Me" attitude and is going to continue to do so until 28/9 when i get a huge whopping fundage deposited into my bank account. YUMMIE.
What's on my brain for supper......   
06:16pm 19/09/2002
mood: annoyed
My hair is getting long

I'm giving up on people

I can't figure out who sings this song, it's my pledge in life, to figure out which punk boy is gay and sings about a person being struck by a star and playing in backyards.

I'm lonely

Work sucks

Degrassi, elvis and las vegas.

BabyBells are so yummie!!

I think I'm going cross eyed!

"Can you feel my heartbeat when i'm close to you, haw haw....."

I have to pee.... i should call my sister really.

Depression, pills, alcohol, murder, overdosing, I'll keep it PG kids.

I have oily skin

I'm on my own, thinkin for myself, living each day to please my insides.